Emergence

On coming into the light.

Hi there. It’s taken me quite a while to write this first post.

Exactly two years, as it happens.

When I first signed up, I decided I would prepare myself. I would take some time to think carefully about what I wanted to write about. In the meantime, I explored Substack, read other peoples works, and was wowed by the talent and passion and community spirit of those who arrived here before me.

And then… instead of writing my first post, I decided I needed to prepare a little more. So I waited.

I convinced myself that if I wanted my Substack to stand out, if I wanted it to be noticed among the thousands of others, I needed to write something profound, insightful, memorable. I convinced myself that I was just preparing myself to compose the perfect message. I convinced myself that if I carefully researched, considered my options, and took my time about it, I would be do a better job.

And then…. I wrote nothing.

Oh, I commented on a few other posts that moved me to reply, I restacked a couple of posts, and the longer I waited, the more I talked myself out of writing any of my own.

I began to listen to the little voices that whispered in my mind. To believe the lies they told me.

-That told me I didn’t have anything new to add.

-That told me I didn’t have enough credits to add to my byline.

-That told me I didn’t have any experience or thought that someone else hasn’t already touched on from a different angle.

-That told me I didn’t have “enough” to offer. What makes me special, or different?

-That told me I wasn’t ‘good’ enough. ‘Smart’ enough. ‘Talented’ enough. That told me “I” was not enough. Never “enough”. Or always “too much”. Both at the same time.

How dare I believe I was worthy? Who was I to speak out? What made me think I had any right to offer anything?

And so, I offered nothing.

Two years have passed. A lot has changed in some areas, and nothing at all has changed in others.

-I still don’t have anything to say that’s totally new in the history of the world. But I can offer my own insights with their own perspective- because each of us perceives the world in our own way, and each of us, no matter who we are, has something different to offer.

-I still don’t have any letters after my name, no grand achievements to speak proudly of, no fame or reputation to capitalise on. But I have decades of a life that has been lived, and that is an achievement denied to many.

-I still don’t have any experiences or ideas that are world firsts, or groundbreaking. But every experience, every thought I have had, was mine alone. And in that uniqueness, we are all alike. No two people sharing a single event experience it in exactly the same way.

-I still don’t know if what I have to offer is “enough”. What does that even mean? And where did I acquire the belief in the first place that there is some arbitrary hierarchy, determining who has a right to comment and who must stay quiet? But I have the blessing of being one of many, just an ordinary person, living an ordinary life, and therefore, in the perfect position to speak about my own attempts to learn how to make the most of this one, precious, ordinary, fleeting, existence. And if my experiences can help even one person see something in their own life from a different angle, then that IS enough.

But one thing I DO know has changed in the past two years.

-I know, now, despite a lifetime of doubt, that I AM enough.

I am worthy of love, and acceptance, and belonging, and of being seen.

And so are you.

No matter where you have been for the last however-many decades, no matter what you were told to believe, no matter what you learned about how to behave, by observing the significant people in your lives, no matter the overt or covert messages you absorbed from your family or origin, your immediate society, the culture you were raised in, or the wider world.

You ARE Worthy. You ARE Enough.

What you want MATTERS.

It took me a long time to get here, into the light.

But after spending so long in the dark, afraid, uncertain, and unwilling to take the chance that there might be more to life than what I had been led to believe, I found myself in a place where I could no longer avoid coming face to face with my fear. Fear of rejection, fear of change, fear of what I might lose if I changed, fear of the new and the unfamiliar.

And then I came to the place I knew existed, but had never been to. The place where my fear of change, for the first time in my life, was outweighed by the fear of NOT changing.

The place where I knew, with deep certainty, that I did not want to die the way I had lived, up until that point: Always holding back.

Never knowing who I could have been if I hadn’t been so afraid to let my True Self be seen, in case “they” said I wasn’t “enough”. Holding so tightly to the old version of myself, the one that had been playing it safe for a lifetime, that I had been unwilling to give the future version of myself a chance.

And no, I didn’t discover any secret source of untapped bravery that allowed me to overcome my anxiety and stride forth with confidence. I didn’t overcome all of my worries and woes, and I didn’t magically transform overnight into a shining example of self-actualisation.

I just worked out that constantly fighting to suppress and ignore and control my fear was so exhausting, I quite frankly got to a stage where I couldn’t be bothered trying anymore. So I decided to accept it. Allow it.

I LET GO of trying to control things that were beyond my control, and began to focus instead on the things that were within my control.

Fear + Action = Courage

Despite my fear, BECAUSE of my fear, I took that first tentative step, and with it, found the courage to take the next, and then the next.

Letting Go of my old beliefs, my old ideas of who I had learned I was “supposed” to be, who I had always been told I “should” be, was terrifying, at first. I was letting go of solid, familiar ground, and stepping out onto a rickety sway-bridge, strung over a bottomless chasm. But I KNEW in my gut that it was time. I could no longer stay stuck.

It didn’t happen overnight, and I had a lot of support along the way. Some of it from actual human beings, (thanks especially to Sarah Woodhouse), loads of it from books and video and audio recordings from humans who are a hell of a lot further along in their journey than me.

And quite a lot from reading small, personal posts, written by a lot of “ordinary” people, who I have never met and am never likely to. People like you, some of whom found the courage to share their own stories, both big and small. Stories that resonated with me.

My aim for this Substack is to return the favour. I plan to share some of my stories, in the hope that perhaps they might resonate with someone else, and maybe, in some small way, help them take another step on their own journey.

Your journey won’t be the same as mine.

And let me make it clear from the outset: this is not a journey with a defined “End”.

There is no “Happy Ever After”.

There is no point at which you will finally never have to worry about anything again, no stage at which life will be perfect and painless. To seek such a place is to miss the point.

The meaning of Life, insofar as I have, belatedly, come to understand it, is not about curating some “perfect” existence. It is, rather, about learning to EXPERIENCE your brief existence, fully and completely, yet without clinging to any of it. There will be pleasure, and pain, and joy, and sadness. All of it is necessary. None of it will last.

The Art of Living is in Letting Go of things you cannot control. Taking care of the things you can.

Accepting all of what life offers, and then Letting Go of it.

This too, shall pass.

Paint your picture with ALL the colours in the paintbox.

Without shadow, light is formless. Without darks, there is no definition, no highlights. Without the muddy browns and the gloomy greys to complement them, brighter shades can be saccharine and one-dimensional.

But, Dear Reader, above all, Let Go of the idea that you do not deserve to live, and live well.

Let Go of the things that no longer serve you.

Those limiting beliefs arose as the product of a world where you needed to stay safe, to survive, in an environment where you did not get the unconditional love and support every child deserves.

Maybe you tell yourself, “my life wasn’t THAT bad… others had it worse, I was ‘fine’.”

But deep inside, you know different. And you adapted. You contorted yourself into the person you believed you needed to be, and then you became stuck in survival mode.

Forgive yourself for doing what you needed to do to survive.

And then, allow yourself to feel the fear, and realise it’s not here to hurt you… it’s trying to PROTECT you. Maybe its trying to keeping you small, and quiet, and unobtrusive, or maybe its trying to stop anyone getting close enough to ever hurt you again. We all have different warriors within us.

But it’s time to lay down our weapons, and walk into the light.

Across that rickety, terrifying bridge, the one that dangles you out over oblivion, is a place full of love, and light, and hope, and beauty. A place where you can allow yourself to feel the pain of life, without it crippling you. A place where you can allow the exquisite sorrow of love and loss to fill your heart, without it bursting. A place where you can be whole.

Yes, even you.

There are a lot of us who have decided to come out of the shadows, and live in the light, no longer hiding ourselves in the dark out of fear and shame. And there is always room for more.

Will you join us?